Time and Tide Wait for No Man

If you still read this, then please say hello (an email or IM will suffice). Thanks.

Why is it so hard to get back into writing after so long? Is it that practice makes perfect? or simply a matter of it not being important anymore?

Several things have happened since I've last written: personally, life has been ok. Comparatively, every day I appreciate the ability to walk and eat and drive and leave the house... so there is nothing about being jobless and penniless that bothers me. Life is difficult, bahala na. But I am alive and (mostly) well. Nevertheless, I've been preoccupied with a lot of things to think about lately: deaths and illness and misfortune surround the people that I love. As if I've somehow forgotten what it means to value life and the people around me since I started to get better.

My grandmother has rather quickly descended into the later stages of Alzheimer's disease. I am certain it is a terrible place to be, one that I cannot fully appreciate. When I was at my worst with dystonia, I was slightly plagued with the thought of never getting better OR maybe getting better someday. I can't explain to you how absolutely frightening that is. But it only makes me feel more for my grandmother and what she's going through. She has Alzheimer's disease, she will not get better. And the only merciful part of that is that she's descended so far into dementia that she doesn't even know what that means anymore. And it is just terrible to see the fear and the confusion in her eyes.. to see the empty shell of someone you love and to recognize that you no longer have the opportunity to express how much you feel and appreciate them and for them to understand it anymore.

We lost 2 nephews in the past months. 2 boys with so much to experience. 2 boys with so much to give. Since the passing of my cousin a few years ago, my grandfather hasn't been the same. And to see my grandparents suffer and grieve is deeply affecting. It wasn't until my uncle told us that my grandmother had asked, "what's happening to our family?", when I really cracked inside and wanted so much for us all to find a sliver of hope and peace for just a moment to break the continuing numbness.
And all of that, coupled with stress from my ordeal in the last 2 years... and mom's own diagnosis with osteoperosis... have just been overwhelming to my immediate family. My parents and sister have shown enormous courage and no doubt we have all aged because of it. My sister and I had a conversation about it over lunch last month, we just need something good to happen right now.

You may be wondering how I've been doing with the dystonia. It is still there and present. Episodes have come from moments of extreme stress or lack of rest but they are mostly unnoticeable to anyone but myself. I am flying to Vegas this weekend and just today I realized it will be the first time I fly and go somewhere since I got sick nearly 2 years ago. Incredible.

I had a really great job prospect early this month for a job that I wanted... The interviews went well, symptoms were there but in control, and people were mostly understanding of why I had to stop working for so long. Long story short, operational things happened at the company and I'm currently in limbo with them. Am I still aggressively looking? Not really. I will wait them out.

I guess the one good thing that I have going on right now is KFA. Albeit there are times of great stress and there are concerns and anxieties like all ventures, but this is one aspect where there is more opportunity and where, in a good way, I have some control over its fortune. And perhaps this is why I haven't spent a lot of time trying to get another job because it has certainly eaten up at least 50-60 hours a week of my time. But, I do not complain... it is doing what I love and what I know. I think it's important to recognize what it is that you want to produce and to recognize what you need to do to get there. In that sense, it's not impossible.. it's just going to take a good walk to get there. That probably didn't make sense. Perhaps ask me about it.

My nephew Kevan has finally reached the terrible twos and has been completely reveling in it. He's really good at pissing mommy and daddy off.

Sometimes I look at my dog and think of his life (or I think of my old dog Tiny and the time spent with him). It does me some sense of pride and makes me feel good that my sole responsibility to him is to take care of him and make his time here the happiest it can possibly be. He's a bad guy sometimes and is definitely spoiled... but he means well and only deserves a kind pet, a snack, and some attention sometimes. It feels good to want to give the world to someone (or some dog =P) and to know that you just might be able to give it to them.

Life beckons.