GIT

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday, thanks in part to one new coworker that returned from traveling today that sits next to me and was really friendly. There were times when he was looking at me and explaining something but everything was just a confusing muddled mess of words. I hate that about being a new employee, where everyone is throwing around crazy acronyms and you have no clue what the hell they are saying but you smile and nod anyway.

Unfortunately I was sitting in a meeting as an observer and my symptoms started to get a little out of control. I had to use my hand to hold my hand still. No one noticed.

After work tonight I drove down to mountain view for a meeting with the board. This time I was presenting, and yes I noticed my symptoms but I was able to get through it with confidence and symptoms getting out of control. That's what I need to transfer over to work, I will have to be doing presentations for my peers and clients very soon. It just goes to show that I'm at my best when I know what I'm talking about. I am concerned that I may have to pull it together before I feel ready.

On the way home I realised that my dog spent most of the day by himself and I felt bad. I'll have to devote some time to him this weekend.

perhaps I spoke too soon

Unfortunately, today wasn't as bright and encouraging as yesterday.

I was discouraged: professionally, socially, and personally. It's much too complicated to write out here, I'm so overwhelmed that I'm exhausted. Perhaps jumping into work full time wasn't the best idea.

There are so many things I still have to overcome.

slow steps

I forgot to mention... I noticed an increase of my symptoms over the weekend and today caused no doubt by growing stress and anxiety about returning to work. Nothing noticable by anyone else besides myself, but still a reminder of life's lesson to take care of myself first.

Careful now.

finishing what I started

I woke up bright and early this morning despite not really sleeping well last night. I got ready for work, picked up my dusty laptop bag, and headed to work. I had to refresh my memory on how to get there last night, I even had to pull out my business cards because I forgot what floor I was on. Upon arriving, I noticed a new building where there once was an open field right next to my office. I parked, took a deep breath and started walking, all the while wondering what the hell I was going to say as I walked in. I found my way to my old desk and saw that someone else was sitting there and that my old coworker (that I was to check in with) was nowhere to be found. So I turned towards the stranger and asked where she had gone. He politely asked if I was RJ and introduced himself and showed me to my old coworker who had taken up residence in the nicest and most private office on the floor.

She showed me around, introduced me to the numerous new people and reintroduced me to the old people. When I went on disability, the San Francisco office numbered probably 12-15 people max. It had grown to a healthy 20. I had expected a lot of questions about my illness. Only a couple asked how I was doing in "that way". I'm sure it will come up in conversation soon. I only had a few words with the new people... and I definitely felt akward hanging out with my old coworkers, but I have to give them a lot of credit. They definitely reached out and gave me a friendly welcome.
The Fedex box I had packed my laptop in greeted me at my desk amidst stacks of stuff from my old desk: files, notebooks and some photo-frames. I ripped it open, plugged it in, and logged on for the first time in 12 months.

It took 3 hours to download 12,000 emails dating as far back as October, 2005. Later that day I was to spend a while trying to quickly sift through what was unimportant and what I might eventually need or want to look at. I have about 3,500 left to look at tomorrow (or maybe tonight, if I want to a superstar).

I spent much of the day by myself... sorting through old paperwork, old emails, and setting my computer up. I joined my old coworkers for lunch downstairs and was updated on the exciting things going on in their lives: new homes, new cars, engagements, and babies, promotions... and all that. I only wish I had stories to share as well. It will take some time before I get settled again like that.

The material is mostly coming back to me. I was able to create a report today and I even helped someone with excel. That felt good. Just staring at the mountains of data and reports was intimidating though. I won't be comfortable until I'm a master of it, which will definitely take a few months. But at the same time, it felt right to be using that part of my brain again and I was reassured. Amongst many other things that I love and feel confident doing, I was born to work to with data, I was born to work in research. What I need right now is to be awesome at something again.
Turns out this Friday is the company holiday party. I haven't decided on going yet.

The drive home was more difficult than the drive up this morning. An accident near the airport caused heavy traffic and it took nearly an hour and a half to get home. The last time I took this drive, it was before daylight savings time and the sun still lingered about at 6pm. So the darkness and the traffic kind of made me tired, and I thought after working for awhile it should surely affect me more. Right before going on disability I was looking for a place to live. It will take me a couple of months to get back on track, but I was reminded of the need to move closer to the city.
So there it is.

When I was out I scoured the internet trying to find out exactly how people go back to work after disability. I found nothing at all. Looks like I have to write this one out and share the story myself.

Here's to second chances.